I Am A Mom

I am a mom. I worry about the little things. I stress about the big things. I worry about your life, your future, your well being. I will  worry every minute of every day, for the rest of my life. 
I am a mom. I cry tears of joy. I cry tears of frustration. I cry when you’re so adorable I can’t stand it, or when you drive me crazy. I’ll probably cry over so many things for the rest of my life.

I am a mom. I laugh with you. I laugh at your silliness. I laugh when you laugh. I laugh because of how happy you make me me. We’ll laugh together so many times,  for the rest of my life.

I am a mom. I’m here for you. I’ll be there through every fail and triumph. I’ll be right there when you skin your knee or accomplish something amazing. Through thick and thin, I’ll be here for you for the rest of my life. 

I am a mom. All I want is your happiness. I’ll give you advice when necessary and give you my shoulder to cry on when needed. I’ll guide you and pick up the pieces when I can. I’ll do whatever you need for the rest of my life. 

I am a mom. I want you to be wonderful. I want you to reach for your dreams. I want you to feel safe. I want you to see the bigger picture. I want only the best for you. I will celebrate your independence and personality, and everything that makes you who you are. I will be your biggest fan, for the rest of my life. 

You made me a mom, and for that I am eternally grateful. I will be the best mom I can be. I may fail, I will make mistakes, I will love you fiercely, but never forget, that I will be here for you, for the rest of my life. 

Strength.

I wrote this some months back. I was reminded again today, just how lucky I am. So, I thought it was finally time to publish it. As a parent you may often feel like you’re doing everything wrong, but just remember that there’s a tiny human looking up to you, loving you and giving you smiles when you need them the most. Stay strong, for yourself and for them! You’ve got this!
 

June 4th 2016

Today was a hard day, and yet it was easy compared to some. I find myself both grateful and lucky. You see, I get down, I get depressed and even sometimes, I wish my life was not my own. 
That’s really a hard thing to admit. It’s hard to reveal such a weakness. A weakness that makes me seem selfish and ungrateful, but it happens. I wish for more, I wish for less and sometimes I need to be reminded of just how good I’ve got it. 
Let me explain, because now, I must defend my weakness. I am a pillar of strength, most of the time. I’m so used to wearing a mask and hiding all of my quirks, that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. People give me credit for a strength that is just another facet of my anxiety. I must save face. I cannot let on that I can be jealous, or anxious, controlling or depressed. I will wear a smile, hide the tears, and present myself in a dignified fashion. 
Don’t get me wrong, I would much rather be perceived as a strong woman, than a weak one, but why? I am human. I am not perfect. I don’t have it all figured out. Even while thinking in my head that you are wrong, I relish you telling me that I am strong. In some ways I am, others I’m not, but I’ll never let on. 
So, back to today. For the very first time, we had to take our son to the Emergency room. He was hurt, he was inconsolable, and something was very wrong. A million things, went through my head and of course I had to change into pants so there weren’t as many of my tattoos showing. You see, I didn’t want anyone to make a snap judgement about me because of my beautiful artwork. As we drove to the hospital all I could think was: “What if they thought we hurt him, is it cancer, my poor baby, who do we call, where should we go, does he know we love him, am I comforting him, what must he be thinking?”. I thought about my dad, my mom, and my childhood. Imagine a computer screen with thousands of attachments, browsers and windows open all at once. That was my head, and is my head, all of the time. 
He was fine though, a quick fix and maybe 30 minutes at the hospital, and he was back to himself and we were on our way. I took comfort in the fact that I was able to keep him calm, and he seemed to be consoled by me. I counted my blessings as I thought of all the parents out there who are suffering through unspeakable illness, tragedies, and pain. He was fine, he is perfect and healthy and full of life. 
Even though I cried, even though I thought the worse, I was strong today. For my husband, for my baby, for myself. Even while freaking out, even with all the worry and anxiety, I was able to find the silver lining; To appreciate my life, the people in it, and everything I have. Not the things, but the moments, the triumphs, and the lessons. 
The thing about strength is that it’s not determined by your success, it is determined by your ability to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on with your life. I fail all the time, I lose it, and I am anxious, but I am strong. I am a pillar of strength and no one can push me down.