Advice, Birthday, Depression, family, Grief, Life, Self help


It’s a strange thing reaching your thirties. I think maybe I’m grown up now. Also, I still feel like a scared little girl, an awkward teenager and a wild twenty year old, most of the time. 
My life is somehow nowhere I thought it would be and also right where I thought it would be. My goals and aspirations changed so much over my lifetime, that I guess my path was determined by the twists and turns and it’s still winding along as I go. 
Does anyone ever really grow up? There’s always going to be someone older and wiser who knows more and who has been through more. Yet, I feel like I’ve been through an awful lot and also a wonderful lot. 
I’m a mom now. I’m responsible for a little human. I get to mess him up, teach him, be there for him and love him with every fiber of my being. I’m a wife now. I’m married, I’m part of a team. It’s not just my fearless(yet terrified) self braving this thing we called life anymore. I am not an island. Maybe a peninsula sometimes, but definitely not an island. 
I’ve gained people, and I’ve lost people. Pretty important people on both counts. Grief has changed me, love has sustained me, and optimism and hope have kept me moving forward. 
I like to believe that I have it all figured out and like Yogi, I’m smarter than you’re average bear, but if my short 29 years and 10 months have taught me anything, it’s that no one has life figured out at all. We’re all just faking it until we make it, and that’s ok!
The one thing I do know is Love. Love is amazing, love conquers all and love is all you need. I would be no one, without love. I would have no one without love. Love is; loss, gain, happiness and perseverance. 
Love is why I am here, why my family is here, love is what brought me my teammate and love is what created my son. Love keeps me going and love reminds me that even in my darkest days, I still have things to be thankful for. Love is ever changing, it can be old, and new and different. 
Learning how to love and be loved is the thing I am most proud of and something I am still learning and working towards every day. It’s not always easy, but love is always worth it! 
Love your family, love your neighbors, love yourself and love the world! All you need is love! 

Advice, DIY, Earth, Environmental, Life, Mom

Enough Pinning, it’s time for action! 

Like most people, I care about the environment. I worry about my carbon footprint and often wonder about ways I can limit that and make the earth a better place. Like some people, I am all talk and no action. I decided this week, that I was going to commit to finding ways that my family can reduce, reuse and recycle. 

Cue the nearly empty box of dryer sheets! The bane of my existence (well, one of the few). The good ones are expensive, I find them everywhere, and they’re really such a waste! How about some reusable ones? Pinterest to the rescue! This Recipe required items I already had on hand. I used clean “holey” underwear of my husband’s that were headed for the garbage. Boom! Reduce money spent, reuse clean rags, recycle a mason jar! 

Next I thought, that if I’m going to make my own dryer sheets, I might as well make my own laundry soap too! Back to Pinterest, again I was looking for something that I already had ingredients for. So I found this One that didn’t require Borax. This is the only one I spent new money on. Considering it was 11.99 for a bottle of Castile soap that will yield two batches, it’s still a bargain!

Behold the finished product!

Nothing fancy, but as long as it gets my clothes clean, makes them smell good, and is both good for the environment and my pocket book, I’m a happy woman! I used lavender Castile soap with lemon essential oils. I just took my first load out of the washer, and it smells amazing!

Now, with spring fast approaching here in MI, my husband and I are seriously planning the garden we’ve talked about for years. First of all, we need to know when to plant different seeds, inside or out, so I found this helpful info graphic:

Next, if we’re going to start some of these indoors, I’m going to need a planter! So, I found this helpful Article. And away we go!

I started early with this one as well, by attempting to regrow my green onions. One of my favorite toppings on almost everything, I go through a lot of green onions. My goal is to never have to buy them again! Here’s what I have so far:

I am a busy full time working mom, and I often pick convenience over preservation, but one day at a time, I’m going to find ways to make preservation, convenient! Most of what I actually use on Pinterest are recipes. I pin a heap of other things, but usually forget about them as soon as I tap the heart and pick my board. No more wasting such a vast resource of information! Time to take action and do what we can to practice self-sustainable living in our suburban home. 

Tune in later, to find out how all of this turns out and if I can keep it up!

Children, family, Life, Mom

I Am A Mom

I am a mom. I worry about the little things. I stress about the big things. I worry about your life, your future, your well being. I will  worry every minute of every day, for the rest of my life. 
I am a mom. I cry tears of joy. I cry tears of frustration. I cry when you’re so adorable I can’t stand it, or when you drive me crazy. I’ll probably cry over so many things for the rest of my life.

I am a mom. I laugh with you. I laugh at your silliness. I laugh when you laugh. I laugh because of how happy you make me me. We’ll laugh together so many times,  for the rest of my life.

I am a mom. I’m here for you. I’ll be there through every fail and triumph. I’ll be right there when you skin your knee or accomplish something amazing. Through thick and thin, I’ll be here for you for the rest of my life. 

I am a mom. All I want is your happiness. I’ll give you advice when necessary and give you my shoulder to cry on when needed. I’ll guide you and pick up the pieces when I can. I’ll do whatever you need for the rest of my life. 

I am a mom. I want you to be wonderful. I want you to reach for your dreams. I want you to feel safe. I want you to see the bigger picture. I want only the best for you. I will celebrate your independence and personality, and everything that makes you who you are. I will be your biggest fan, for the rest of my life. 

You made me a mom, and for that I am eternally grateful. I will be the best mom I can be. I may fail, I will make mistakes, I will love you fiercely, but never forget, that I will be here for you, for the rest of my life. 

anxiety, family, Life, Uncategorized

Recovering Semi-Introvert

I’m not a joiner, but please, ask me to hang out…. 

I grew up in a big family. Five brothers and sisters, and quite the extended family. Being alone wasn’t something that happened often, or that I wished for. I always wanted 6 or 7 kids someday, so I would have that guarantee of constantly being surrounded by family. Family is safe, family is fun, family is comfort, and without them I’d be lost. (For the record, that number has changed drastically, especially after having just one of my own.)

There’s something comforting about being around the people you love, laughing and joking, even fighting or poking fun. They’ve got your back, and you can count on them. You may hate them for a minute, but you know that if anyone else treats you badly, they’ll be there to protect you fiercely, or at least you hope so.

I haven’t had many lifetime friendships, because at the end of the day, I’ve got my family, and it’s so much easier to deal with them, than it is who those who aren’t related to me. Even when it’s hard, it’s not, if that makes any sense at all.
You see, I struggle with anxiety, I may be a little lazy, and I’m an introvert. A lot of the time, I struggle with social interaction. I worry about the impression that I make on others, I spend years regretting stupid things I’ve said, and constantly worry that people are mad at me. Somehow though, I survive. I repress my social anxiety, I join, I make friends, I put myself out there. Mostly because, despite all of this, I crave human interaction. That is, until I can’t stand it. 

If I’m around my family or my husband, I’m fine, but put me in a room full of anyone else and I’m a wreck. You won’t see it, because I’m really good at hiding it, but it’s there. I’m analyzing everything, observing body language and conversation, trying my best to fit in, and probably already wishing I hadn’t said something. Then, I start wishing that I was in bed or on the couch, watching Netflix and cuddling with my little family. 

I love making plans, until about one week to two days beforehand and then I regret it. I either wait until the last second, forcing myself to follow through, or I cancel. I come up with a decent excuse and feel terrible and worry about letting people down, but cancel just the same. (I’ve been known to do this to my family too, so no one is exempt.) 

I don’t do it to hurt anyone, or because I don’t care, I do it because sometimes, I just can’t. I can’t be a joiner. I need to be by myself. I have to be “alone”.

I’m also a lot more understanding when people cancel on me because I wanted out of it anyways, or I just get it. Things come up, and anything can change day to day. Whether it’s an emotional state of mind or what others may believe is a legitimate excuse (I.E. No money, family emergency, etc.) I believe any excuse is legitimate and it would make my life a lot easier if I felt comfortable just saying “Hey, it’s not you its me, but I really don’t feel like hanging out today”. I understand the disappointment of plans changing, trust me, I do. I just don’t hold it against people. 

None of this is meant to be an excuse for disappointing friends or family, because that’s never my intent. In all honesty, I really do want to do things, to join, to participate, but sometimes it’s exhausting and as much as I worry about pleasing others, sometimes I have to please myself. 

So please, don’t hesitate to invite me to do things. More often than not, I’m happy to join. Please just understand, that when I can’t, it has nothing to do with you and it doesn’t make me a terrible, insensitive person either. It just makes me human.

Depression, family, Grief, Mom, Uncategorized

I always thought that I’d see you again. 

March 23rd 2015.
Finally off work, tired, exhausted, and very pregnant. I leave the brisk March air to climb into my only slightly warmer car. Turn the key in the ignition and blast the heat. Seatbelt on, I pull my phone out of my purse and search through my recent call history for “Jerri”. It’s a long story, but I didn’t have her in my phone as mom. As I check the mirrors and back out of my parking space, the phone is ringing. She’s there, she picks up and we start chatting. If I had known it would be our last conversation, maybe I would have said more. Maybe I wouldn’t have been annoyed or complained about work. 
About halfway home, and still navigating traffic on the crowded freeway, she starts to get sleepy. She says she’s falling asleep and I should call tomorrow. 
“Get some sleep, I love you, I’ll call you on my lunch tomorrow.” Click.
March 24th, 2015

I called her on my way home from lunch, but she didn’t answer. I didn’t think much of it. Missed calls happen all the time, so I went on with my day. A quick lunch and then back to work. I was wrapped up in my own life that day. Pregnancy woes, work stress, and the life I was living. Customers to take care of, projects that needed to be finished and of course, a baby that was due to make an appearance very soon. 

Around 3:30 pm, in the midst of everything else I had going on, I had a strange message from one of her work friends on Facebook. She didn’t show up to work and they were worried. Alarm bells went off, and even as I assured myself it was nothing, somehow I knew. I started making phone calls. To her, to Pete, Zach and Jeremy. Anyone who could possibly know what was going on or if she was ok. I talked to Pete. I let him know what was going on and asked him to go check on her. I hoped and wanted to believe that she had just overslept or decided to quit that day. I refused to believe the inevitable. 
I kept moving, I kept working, I waited. Then the phone rang and I knew before I answered who it was and what they had to say. I just knew.

“Thank you for calling, this is Kaylyn Trudeau,how can I help you?”
“Kaylyn, it’s Pete.”
“Did you get ahold of mom? What’s going on?”
“It’s not good, Kaylyn. She’s gone”

Just like that my world stopped. I never imagined that it would feel this way. That I would lose it and not know what to do next. I tried my best to tie up lose ends, but I couldn’t and I had to go. I went to my managers and told them. They hugged me and sat my very pregnant self down. They called my husband to come pick me up, and didn’t even tell him what happened. It was all such a blur and also slow motion. People swirled around me and I stood still as I waited for my husband to get there. 

I know my coworkers must have cleared up my work for the day, because I couldn’t. When my husband arrived, anxious and worried, I met him with tears in my eyes. I can’t quite remember if I told him or my manager did, but I do remember him losing it and trying to hold it together. In an instant, a day, our lives changed forever, and not long before a change we were joyfully planning for came. 

We left my car at my work and he helped me climb into his truck. I called my dad. They were divorced, but I needed to talk to him and tell him. I kept the conversation short, and went on to calling my oldest sister. I think she was in a meeting so I ended up texting her and she called me right away. My mom wasn’t her mom, but had been in her life for 26 years and it brought some small comfort that my sister was also saddened by the news and cried with me. She did help the woman raise me, after all.

We got home and I cried and cried. I took a shower and waited for Jenny to come. My hair was still wet when she arrived, and my eyes were puffy. I still couldn’t believe what was happening. She was there one day, and just like that, gone forever. 

The next week was a blur and after a difficult end to an otherwise easy pregnancy, it was all very hard on me as we made plans for the funeral. I somehow kept it together. I had five days of bereavement from work and my doctor put me of maternity leave after that, so luckily I didn’t go back to work until after that was over. I honestly don’t know if I would have been able to go back after only five days. 

I’ve tried so hard to keep joy in my heart and keep Moving Forward over the past year and a half, but it’s really hard. It’s hard to move on from something that so shattered your reality. I really miss her and I wish every day that March 24th, 2015 would have gone a lot differently. 

All you have is today, there may be no tomorrow. Appreciate the ones you love, and let them know that you care. Forgive and forget and never say goodbye, without saying “I love you”.

Dads, family, Life, Mom, Uncategorized

Jude’s Hero

Some days, I get jealous. Green with envy, in fact, when the child that I carried for 9 months prefers you over me. I cannot possibly hold all the love I have for him, I shower him with affection, I give in every once in a while and still, he wants Daddy. He cries when you leave, you’re the first word he says in the morning, and the last one he says before bed. You are his hero!
I worry about what I’m doing wrong, and wonder why he “hates” me. I internalize it all and think way too much and believe that I must be failing. I know that this is silly, and I’m doing my very best, but it’s so hard to not take it personally. It’s hard to follow my parenting gut, when all I really want to do is make him love me, dammit. 
I forget how lucky I am, to have you as the father of my child(ren) and Jude as my beautiful, happy son. You are amazing, and loving; You are patient and kind. You drive me crazy sometimes, but you are so very perfect. You do more than many dads I know, for our son and for me. You are present, you are helpful, you are my partner. He is animated, happy, so beautiful and full of life! My boys are my whole world!

I also know that I prefer you over everyone else on this earth, so why wouldn’t my offspring, who is very near my exact replica, prefer you over everyone? Even when I’m green, I still love watching you two together. Despite my irritation, I still somehow manage to get all warm and fuzzy just thinking about the way he looks at you, and looks for you when you’re not here.
I’m sorry that it drives me crazy, and I’m sorry that sometimes I take it out on you. Hey, there’s always hope for the next one or two or three to prefer me over you. Two words Trudeau: Attachment Parenting(I’m going to babywear, breastfeed and cosleep the next one like a pro!). Ok maybe it won’t be quite so extreme, but you catch my drift.
Anyways, thank you for being you, and for all you do for us. I wouldn’t want to be experiencing this life with anyone else by my side. I love the way you love me, our son, and despite all of my woes, I love the bond that you two share more than I realize sometimes. Thank you for being my partner Trudeau and for being our son’s Hero, now and forever!

Advice, anxiety, Life, Self help, Uncategorized

Eviction effective immediately!

I tend to let people live in my mind. Not by their choice, but by my own. I lack the ability to let things go, and I worry about conversations and moments that may have happened days, months or even years ago. I don’t forget easily, and I let things fester and bother me. 

I’ve heard before that men’s brains are like boxes, and everything has its own box. Whatever they’re confronted with, they just open that one box, and then close it and it’s over. I’ve also heard that a woman’s brain is like a computer with all the browsers, attachments and everything opened all at once. I think mine is more like a Facebook newsfeed, a newsfeed that is constantly updating but you keep seeing a lot of the same stuff, even the stuff that drives you crazy and you can’t get rid of it. 

Ah ha! There is a way to get rid of it, and this is easier for some, but it’s definitely something I’ve been working on in real life and on Facebook(yes, I do realize how much I sound like a millennial right now). So, with Facebook, you have the option to hide posts, block friends, unfollow friends, turn off notifications and disallow comments! Wouldn’t it be amazing if you could do that with your mind? It may not be as easy as clicking a button, but I might as well try! 

My solution is to set boundaries, within my mind, and with the people who are taking up negative space in my brain. I’m sorry, but the eviction notices are coming, so I hope you’re ready to pack your things and move out! No, I’m not literally cutting people out of my life, because honestly, I care a great deal for some of these mental parasites. I do have to remember though, that letting them take up that space, is only affecting one person, and that person is me. 

I will be the first to admit, that I do not have all the answers. I’ve only been on this earth for 29 1/2 years, so I have a lot to learn. I do know some things though, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned because of the life I’ve lived, the hand I was dealt, and the things I’ve accomplished. I have to be confident in that and remember that I can kindly accept advice, all advice, even unwanted, without letting it affect how I perceive myself. 

When people think before they speak, and say negative things, I can choose to let it affect me, or believe that their intentions may be honorable. If they’re not, then they have to live with it, and I shouldn’t. 

I can speak up for myself, and be adamant in the things I believe to be true. Without snapping or reacting with anger, I can respond to criticism with confidence. 

When the plans are changed, or aren’t fit to my mood, I can throw a fit, or I can learn to be flexible. If I can’t change the plan, I can try to make the best of it. 

I can be happy, I can focus on the good things and the good in people. I can love, I can live. It’s really hard for me to let go, to forget, and move on, but the only person I can change, is me. I can’t force people into a mold that suits me, just as I wouldn’t want and refuse to let anyone force me into a mold of their own. 

I make mistakes, I mess up, I take things for granted and I am quick to anger, so I know I am not perfect. I’d like to think that every once in a while, but I know better. I do know that I am the best version of me. I know that part of my problem is caring too much about what others think of me, and how I affect them. That needs to end too. As long as I am trying my best to be respectful and do right by others, then I shouldn’t worry so much about everyone being mad at me. It’s not always about me!

My mind is empty, my heart is full and one day at a time, I can make my mind a safe place for me.